Ropes
​
Darting about in a never ending spiral
swarming histories,
subconsciously tying up their same knots
I want to un-pick every single one of them
It seems i spend my time in a perpetual cycle of tying knots and untying them again
I make knots in my dreams
In my absence thoughts
On train journeys
In giant rooms of people
I’m so good at them
You taught me well
I am the fucked up apprentice of a rope restorer
Learning a new trade
Trying to stamp down the old one
It takes an awful lot of practice
I wonder will they fire me
I’ll be left wailing alone in a pile of old knots
Buried under them
It must be infuriating watching me make ropes and tie them back up again
Over and over
amateur
I want so much to undo the voices
After all they are not my own
They were chosen for me by you
You can have them back
You the ones who loved me
licked my wounds with salty tongues
In your anger and fury you locked them safely in my brain
Their they lie dormant until I see your shadow
Your shadows are everywhere
I try to ignore them
insolent child you are
little piece of shit
nobody will ever love you if you behave like that
never show your darkness for it is unlovable
never tell your anger because it is unacceptable
Your needs do not count
you must only count the needs of others
put your own aside, put yourself aside
Don’t be selfish
Ear reddening shame washes when I lose my shit
I lose my shit because I live in fear that those voices are truth
And sometimes they become so loud I can no longer tell myself they don’t count
I believe them again
I am sure I will eventually be found out by those who love me and set aside
Only a matter of time
I ignore you mostly
Destructive hateful words,
there is no place for you here
I try to live my best life
You only get one life
I try to savour every second of your love
To be the best lover to you
To kill these thoughts
And see you for you
Life for life
I have windows sometimes but these walls were made high
These walls were made strong
In turbulence the curtains are drawn
it all falls out
I am a monster
I will push you away
I will show you all my horrible and wait
I will wish to die
Self pitying, victimising ball of fury
polluted I am
I long for a last drag of peace
I can not hold your anger
Because your anger means the end of the world
Constantly searching for approval
I have to grow up
I have to re-mold and reshape the trash in my brain
Otherwise it will always go the same way
I will be the unlovable insolent child
I will play the part you gave me.
I have no crutch anymore
I can’t cover it all up under smoke and mirrors
The shape of it stands and I have to hold it
Sad lonely monster
Unlovable failure
I have to shout back louder than you
Muffle you out with my own voice
NO!
I am not a monster
I am lovable
I am capable
I am not a monster
I am lovable
I am capable
Untied I am not a monster
Untied I am lovable
Untied I am capable
Untied I can handle living
Untied I have a right to be living
Untied I am living
Louder than you
Stronger than you
Creator of my demons
I will wrap them up and tell them
You are safe
You are safe
You are safe
I will become a master of my trade.
​
​
Still
I imagine i'm laying on my back on frosty grass
I’m hot from the bath
I am naked
I am alone
The air is crisp
The light pale
our sun far off
Steam swirling from my body
My chest is rising and falling
Eyes wide and staring
Up ribbons of colour
All around is still sleeping
I don’t have to be anywhere
I don’t need to do anything
I’m not good
I’m not bad
I’m just breathing
​
xx xy yyxx
Love is not reckless
It waits patiently for the tide of things to run their course
And does not judge too harshly
Love tries to see through others eyes
Love lets the other breathe
It does not play with hearts for fun
Or try to mould or shape you differently
It does not expect perfection
It allows softly for all the human things
Love is open
It is strong and it is kind
Love has room for emotion
Love stands as an equal by your side
Love is sincere and doesn't lie
Love will center and not suffocate
Fast and slow
Love possesses nothing
with life
beats
Is